If you go to Jefferson Pointe on a warm Friday night "just to walk around" ... you WILL buy something. Because it's there.
If you go to a baseball game at noon on the first sunny, warm Saturday of spring, remember it's sunny because of the ... sun. And sunscreen is a good thing.
If you trim back a rosebrush because it's gone crazy and wants to take over the lawn ... it will attack you and try to slash your wrists. Or at least your thumb. Which will bleed. Wear gloves.
If you park five blocks away from the baseball game ... wear the right shoes to walk in. Because your feet will hurt.
If you go to another baseball game, this one in a NEW stadium ... there will be something wrong. Just pray it's not the automatic toilet spraying you. Sadly: experienced.
If, when walking in your bad shoes those five blocks back to your car after the baseball game, you pass Starbucks, you WILL stop. Because it's there.
If, on Saturday, you have attended too many baseball games, you will find yourself doing many chores on Sunday, aka, Day of Rest. Because it's not.
If, on Sunday, two little girls come to visit demanding snacks and sparkly glue, you will go buy them some. Because sparkly is good. Although glue lingers.
Pizza Hut at Coventry on Sunday night is nice and quiet, until you bring the two sparkly, gluey girls in. And they start singing Taylor Swift songs. On "loud."
If, by some miracle, you manage to keep your computer off for most the day on a Sunday, then turn it on of an evening, you will find yourself with 153 tweets about a damn strange collection of things, and 131 Facebook updates informing you that "Jane Smith has sent you a little green thing!"
Ron White is totally crude, gross ... and hilarious. Plus I learned something, although I can't tell what.